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Written in Vain

I'm gonna get married.

That's what you said. Remember? Last night, on the phone. You said you'd loved her and you'd asked her and yes, she said yes, and you were so happy. Well, good for you, really. I still remeber when I saw the two of you for the first time... my radio sings, it's Kate, remember her? We had that one night when you didn't know if that girl you were dating was good for you and we listened to Kate.
And when I saw you
Kissing that girl
My heart it shattered
And my eyes, they watered
And when I tried to speak I stuttered...

I still see your face when you told me you sang "Birds" to - I don't even have an opinion on that tramp that you're still seeing - to her, your soon-to-be wife.
Boy, you're getting married! What happened to us?

After we hung up I'd spent the whole night looking at pictures and reminiscing the old days. I still love them - gosh, how I miss them!
Remember when we went to Tony's and you... we laughed so much... I hardly ever see you laughing these days, realize? I mean, not like you're unhappy, but like the old days... the kind of laugh you'd almost caugh your innermost out or you'd have aching muscles the next day. The way she'd probably class a childish laugh of the unsteady. Such as I am, right? Didn't she say? Yes, she might not have meant anything bad and she never ever meant to insult me, of course not... No, she's just a friendly tart who appears without a warning, takes my best friend and calls me a frigid old maid. She just had a bad start. That's all. And then she turns you all upside down untill you have nothing left that would connect you to the old days or to me, so there I am, the little girl, and nobody would ever think we'd share a past. And why did she make sure you'd change so much that our time seems like a dream I had? Am I competition?
I know you better than she ever could since she denies your past. I saw you laughing at your best and I shared your good and bad days. I saw you crying and I know what your eyes look like when you're really happy. I know how you jiggle your toes when you can't sleep and I know the look on your face when the sunshine awakens you. I know what you did the night before your tenth birthday. I also know about the first time you got drunk and I sat next to you while you seemingly threw up all the food you ate the previous year... and it was me who played your girlfriend when you had a crush on Linda, it was me who gave you an alibi when you actually weren't at my place, and I knew where you were but I lied for you. It was the two of us who stuck together so the new kids always thought we were twins and later everyone thought we were a couple when they knew our last names. It was the two of us from sandpit on and over to school and oh how we bitch+moaned when they put us into different classes, expecting the whole world to turn the other way round if necessary for us to be together. Remember our first school trip? When we didn't understand why they wouldn't let us sleep in the same room and afterwards, when our parents had to come because we'd told them we'd already even slept in one bed a million times before? And how we went to that expensive place that night and my mom and your dad tried to explain why our teachers had reacted the way they'd done...
I was the first girl you saw live in just underwear, and you were the one I asked for advice when I was asked out on a date for the first time. You told me how you guys think and I knew so much about you I'd never get the idea you could ever be more than you were.
Untill I recognized the way you looked at me and the way I felt when in your company. Your eyes have a way of glowing I've never seen anyone else's do. You said my hair smelled like honey and a fresh summer's rain.
I came to realize it was the night we camped in the garden, sleeping in a tent, looking at the stars and talking about the world, when I first fell in love. It was when we were so serious and talked about topics only close people ever talk about. You just said that funny sentence I could never forget and I laugehd and you joined in, a little confused about what was so funny because you reelly meant it and... and we got a little close, a little too close, and we had talked about it before, about kissing, and since we almost tried everything... we never practised having sex, though... and it wasn't only our first kiss but to me it was the most beautiful I'd ever have had and I'd always compared all the other boys to you... and when you had your first girlfriend you said she couldn't kiss the way I did or that it just felt different, and we almost talked a whole night - only on the phone, of course, because you didn't want her to get jealous and we also had planned it just like this, to only sleep together when both of us were single - because you were so confused.
Last night I decided not to account for the fact you two were together and to tell you - I always held my tongue, didn't want to make you break up or to lose our friendship. But I appeared to be convinced that it was better for you to know it and I wanted to tell you.

"I'm gonna get married."

Once again we dialed each others numbers the same time. Me to tell you about my feelings and you to tell me about your marriage. What a pretty coincidence, ain't it?
You're gonna get married. And I'll continue being the brat, the old maid, the tart... the frigid woman that no one loved and that was never able to love herself. Thanks...

25.4.11 23:33

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